The Diligence of Living an Almost Happily Ever After

It's the end of the year and isn't that the time when most people start to review the choices and events of the year? Every year, around this time, I ask myself if I'm happy. The answer for way too many of those years was a resounding NO! A friend of mine, once told me she didn't believe that true happiness existed, just the ability to tolerate the status quo. A sad way to think, huh?

I think I bought into her theory for a while, because to believe otherwise was to admit that I didn't have what others had managed to achieve, happiness. Embracing this concept allowed me to continue in a perpetual state of inertia. I made goals and plans, but only did half ass attempts to bring them to fruition, because I never had any faith in myself and just wanted to fake myself out that I tried. When things didn't work out (of course they weren't going to work out, I never believed they would) I would just sardonically smile at my reflection the mirror, as if to say, "See! You're going to stay on that hamster wheel, futilely running toward nowhere, so why bother?"

Those little voices inside my head kept running a never ending litany of doubts and discouragements. And you know something? They were right. I was never going to find happiness. I was never going to accomplish anything.  I was never going to travel, make interesting friends, or do exciting things. I did not have the courage or skills to break out of my dismal, sad, pathetic comfort zone. Living a fufilling, adventurous life was as likely to happen to me, as winning the lottery. I was a walking, talking, self fulfilling prophecy. I put that negativity out into the universe and bought into it. I allowed it to become a tangible, living thing.  My biggest, baddest boogeyman, wasn't the monster in my closet or under my bed, but instead was the monster inside my head. Again and again I folded under the weight of my so called fate. There was nothing I could do about, so I might as well just roll with the flow. Don't struggle, just do enough to keep your mouth and nose out of the water. That's right, just doggy paddle in circles until the day you become too tired of treading and finally succumb to drowing in misery.

Wow, that is one pitiful human described in the paragraph above. You wouldn't want to meet that person, much less, be that person. Luckily, one bright morning I woke up and decided that this wasn't just treading, this was pure and simple laziness. Time to snap out of it and get to work!

Three years ago, I set out to change my life. I set a long term goal, then several short term goals, with deadlines, to make myself accountable. After lining several things up and getting several issues put behind me, I started working hard toward the end goal. If you have been reading this blog, you will know it was to move to Washington state, to be near my sister and friends.

Instead of continuing to air those, negative, doubtful thoughts, I replaced them with positive affirmations. I made baby steps, then hops, and finally I was making giant leaps over obstacles I had once found insurmountable. I continued my run for the goal line and once I crossed it, I made a new goal. And then a new goal. I will keep making new goals until mortality and not fate, catches up with me.

I am a much different person than I was back then. Hell, I'm even a different person than when I first moved here in April. I am also here to say, yes, happiness does exist, because I have found it. I have found it and I don't think I ever want to let go of it, so I continue to do the work to ensure my happiness.  And happiness does take work. You can't be lazy, or apathetic about it, you have to exercise your mind, your body, creativity, and your soul. Your life is like a living, breathing entity. What you put into it, the care and love you pour into it, directly influences what you get out of it.

Is there a secret to happiness? Yes and no.  I think there is no one single secret to happiness. I believe you have to find your own way.  Mine? A fresh start helped. I felt stagnate and uninspired in my home state.  I now live in a place where I can experience the kind of cultural diversity I have always dreamed about. I am busy with family and friends, experiencing events and lifestyles that sometimes pushes me outside of my comfort zone, but that is an awesome thing.  Challenge excepted!

I continue to educate myself in many ways. Presently I am learning Japanese.  It's been several weeks since I started, but I throw myself into it several times a day. The hardest part so far is learning the three types of alphabet.  The learning of the actual words is going better. I  am continually surprised with how much I had picked up while watching Japanese dramas and listening to J-pop. I am also currently reviewing for placement in continuing my education in Spanish. Is learning two languages at once over reaching? (This is all about stretching myself) Maybe, but I do know some Spanish.  My reading and listening comprehension is fairly good, it's the speaking part that I suck at.

I continue to write, because writing is what has always excited me the most. I am still working on a book that I am very excited about. As you can tell, I also hit and miss on this blog, because I spend a fair amount of time working for another 'professional' blog.  I'll do better, I promise. Working on the 'pro' blog keeps my skills up and the deadlines keep me from procrastinating.

Several exciting trips are in the planning stages, some farther along than others. I'm really psyched up about them and I'm determined to be at least at conversational level in Japanese, before our big trip to Asia.

I've re-established friendships and started new ones. I hang with my sister a lot. We are part of several different circles of friends. One is a kdrama group, where I can geek out about all things Asian, without feeling like a freak. Others are a couple of different groups of girls, where we go out to be ourselves. My friends and I shop, while also indulging in our foodie inclinations. Or maybe we go to a Greek Festival, or a town wide swap meet in Packwood, where we oooh and ahhh over butter dishes and buy steampunk jewelry. Other times it's nothing, but females, watching the Seahawks game at a loud restaurant, sharing hummus, while drinking a drink that seemed like a tasty idea, but really tastes like a foamy menthol cigarette. (Winking at Cookie) Sometimes it's just laughing with the boys and girls at a boisterous birthday party, where the old man of the group drinks everyone under the table and we all laugh at nothing for hours. Occasionally we relax at the cabin in the mountains, drinking Crown or soju, while sharing old stories, and cracking jokes around a firepit.

I have gained so many insights from my friends. Some send daily group affirmations out by texts, reminding each one one of us that we are special and that it's up to us to make 'magic' happen. Others share their wonderful vision boards. A couple push their bodies in amazing ways, through crossfit, races, mountain biking, skiing and rock climbing. They awe me with their strength and determination.  It encourages me to push myself, to demand the best of myself.

I have surrounded myself with good people. People who are also passionate about life and have their own exciting goals they are striving toward. Awesome women and men, who I am proud to have become part of their lives, who support and inspire me almost daily. Positivity breeds positivity. I love that we all continue to expand that bubble of hope and love around us.  You are only as strong as the people you surround yourself with. The people I surround myself are Amazons and Warriors, whether it be physically, emotionally, creatively or intellectually.

2013 is coming to an end. It's been a year of changes for me. I'm hoping, no, I'm positive, that 2014 will be about continuing challenges, adventures, learning, friendships, travel, and love. Here's to digging in deep toward our next goal. Namaste!

Musings Over Oatmeal

It's a rainy Sunday morning. A slight improvement over a week of freakishly foggy days. It felt like I was in the middle of the film The Mist. No way was I going out to take out the trash, for fear a Lovecraftian creature would pull me into the unknown, so I guess that will be done today.

I worked another Saturday, so I really don't have any plans for today. Not that I'm opposed to any, I simply do not have any, yet. If none appear, then I will be content to enjoy another lazy Sunday. Most probably from beneath the cozy electric blanket.

The chill in the air lends itself to the need for oatmeal. Warm, creamy, sweet oatmeal with nuts. I sit over a steaming bowl, perusing the Internet for blogs of expatriates in Asian countries. Expatriates of any kind have always fascinated me. I have found that I really enjoy their stories about adapting to their new homes. I'll admit to being a bit envious, because I would have loved to have had the opportunity to reside in several countries, not just Asian ones. I suppose by doing this, its my way of living vicariously.

The reason I am searching today, is due to a dream I had. It's not unusual for me to have these epic blockbuster dreams and this was another of those. I dreamed the world was ending in 3 months. (Probably thanks to watching Potato Star).  In my dream, I sold all my belongings, packed a backpack, and bought a ticket to Japan.  From there, I spent the next three months touring Asia, absorbing the cultures, enjoying the food, and meeting great people.  It was a very vivid, detailed dream, so much, that when I awoke, I had really felt like I had traveled. 

From this dream I have learned two things. First, I must be incredibly selfish, because instead of spending my remaining days with my loved ones, I chose to fly across the world and spend it with strangers.  Second, my desire to travel Asia is deep seated. This makes me even more determine to see my trip in two years come to fruition.

Meanwhile I will continue to study languages, customs, and ideas.  I will continue to fine tune this trip for my sister, my friends, and I, to ensure we get the most out of the time we are there.  Fill up my travel account and keep searching for that perfect travel bag.  It's good to have goals, right? Mine might not be for the betterment of humanity, but it's for the betterment of me and that will help me to become a more well rounded person for those I love, so maybe not so selfish after all. Maybe.  Namaste.

Big Shave Worthy

It's a not so well kept female secret. For most of us, our shaving maintenance is the arm pits and, unless it's summer, the leg to the knee. (I won't lie, if winter is coming and there is no Jon Snow on the horizon, I won't even do that much. Don't judge, I live in the Pac NW and my bigfootedness keeps me warm.) If we are not involved intimately with someone, we rarely travel to the thigh area. Sure we do a 'clean up' in the girlie area, from time to time, but true maintenance is reserved for when we know some guy will be perusing the goodies. For me, that only happens with a guy that I think is the "ONE".

Like Elaine in Seinfeld, who determined if a guy was "Sponge Worthy", I contemplate if a guy is "Big Shave Worthy".  See, the big shave means there is a high possibility that I will be getting naked with him.  The big shave means, I'm gonna do a full leg shave and groom the private area, like it's a work of art on display.  I'm not easy, so if I'm gonna be intimate with him, it's a big deal! This means he's passed the battery of tests that I have chalked up in my mind and I have deemed him commitment worthy. Oh yes, I am willing to I'll put in the work and time for a guy that is commitment worthy.

Funny thing is, right now there really is no special guy. A couple I am talking to, but no one I would deem "Big Shave Worthy".   Yet I find myself doing HIGH maintenance. Seriously, what gives? Maybe it's my rich fantasy life. All these hot Asian stars, who I can pretend are my boyfriend, so I fully doll up for... dream sex? Okay, that sounds a little crazytown. I'm really not sure what is going on at the moment. I can tell you that personal grooming is currently at an all time high.  I have never been so ready for inspection in my life. I have shaved, exfoliated, buffed, plucked, polished and lotioned up, like I am ready for a competition. I really am not sure why. Anticipation? Ready for battle?  I'm really confused.

I'm not normally sloppy, by any means. I just don't put in all out effort, when none is warranted. If no one is gonna look under the hood, who cares if the engine is a bit dirty? Right? So what gives with the hyper grooming? Is my intuition alerting my inner goddess that a really great guy is on the horizon? (Crosses fingers.) Ahhh...who cares. This new shade of pink polish looks really cute on my toes and really highlights my baby smooth legs. Jiyong, you paying attention? (Wiggles toes at you.) Come appreciate me!

OOOOOOHH!! G DRAGON: COUP D' ETAT

Soooo....this happened last week. I watched the two videos he dropped from the LP, Coup D' Etat and Crooked, both equally wonderful, yet very different songs.  Netizens are spending loads of time trying to over analyze both videos. (Fangirl: Omg! Is Oppa okay? I worry for his health!!) I can't help, but shake my head in amusement. Not that I don't think there are messages there, I just think you guys are going a little off the deep end trying to make it fit the fanfiction you have created in your heads. Chill Jill!

Right now I think Crooked is my favorite song off the LP. (Downloaded Part 1 and 2 from ITunes first thing Tuesday morning. Support your artists folks! Good art, deserves our dimes!) In the video, he has that punker, self destructive attitude, which if you know my punk rock roots, you know really appeals to me. (Not that you didn't already have a special place in my heart already Kwon Jiyong, but rocking that Sex Pistols tee cemented your place there!) The upbeat tempo greatly contrasts with the dark lyrics. The video is a perfect depiction of a down hill plunge of someone that has momentarily gone off the rails. It happens to most of us, guys. Whether it be a break up or a failure, we have all had those nights/days/weeks/years, where we just pushed to see what pushed back, because we hurt damnit!!! 

This video resonates with me, not because this is how I feel now, but because that has been me. I WAS the dickhead that pushed, overindulged and was just a complete utter fucktard. I'm not going to try to analyze the personal meaning he is presenting in this video, but I know what it represents to ME. And isn't that what music is supposed to do? Be a vehicle that you identify within a personal way, with your own personal interpretation? 

                                             

                                                                                                                         

I appreciate how GD continues to grow, musically and artistically.  I find myself anticipating each reinvention he undergoes. The songs are as eclectic, as the video visuals are complex. Sure the album has several standard, but great pop tunes.  He's no dummy, he has to give that loving nod to his faithful Kpop fans, who have carried him to this point. There are also some interesting hiphop tunes, a soaring rock anthem, ballads, grooving retro dance tunes, a dancehall/pop/dubstep hybrid that has become my earworm of the day. Seriously, I can't find a single song I dislike.

Some of these tunes may not be received very well by his traditional fans. I would like to think as fans we support his growth, but that is not often the case. Fan culture is an odd and sometime stagnate creature. Nevertheless, I really hope GD continues this path of exploration. I can't help, but believe this will be the stepping stones for new fans to discover and appreciate his work. 

I've been a fan for several years and I enjoyed most of his music. Not every song, but generally like his body of work as a whole.  What I can say, in all honesty...and this isn't just the fangirl in me talking... I fucking love this LP!  To me, it's like he's just slinging out his musical paint brush just to see what comes out on several different canvases. Looking at them individually, they don't seem to go together, but if you put them up together and step back a little, you can see the bigger picture of the series. From where I'm looking, it's a very appealing, fresh vision, one that I'm definitely hanging on my wall.   Namaste.

                                                   

                  

                                                                          

Prioritizing: Where My Money Needs to Go VS My Wants

Yesterday, my sister and I went to the outlet mall on the Indian Reservation and I found sooooo many things I wanted. I did not, however, buy a single thing. I did store these wants in my head for future reference, but right now, I only need to spend money on things I NEED vs WANT.

I have never been a name brand fanatic, always happy to buy an item based on it's quality and how much I liked it, over who it was made by. I do pick up a lot of name brands in thrift shops, but most the time I am unaware it was a name brand item until I arrived home with it. You see, I simply buy what I like. It's always worked for me. Now, with the close proximity of the outlet and the cheap prices, oh it is really hard to restrain myself. I will admit to getting withdrawals the moment I left the Converse shop. All I could think about is "I could buy a pair EVERY month and it wouldn't even put a dent in my savings."  Luckily, I possess the will power to resist.

Why not give into this impulse and treat myself, you ask? The answer is simple. For every dime I spend on something, just because it's a WANT, I take it out of my savings for travel. I have wanted to travel all my life. I've traveled some, but not to the extent I have dreamed about it. This next year, I have three trips scheduled. Now granted, one is to visit family and friends back home, but the other two are true travel adventures. Also, I am hopeful that in the next two years, that my trip to India/Japan/South Korea/Indonesia will transpire. There is also an Alaskan cruise on the horizon, as well as a European trip and a quick trip to the Caribbean being discussed, so as you can see, I will need to have a very padded savings account in order to experience these trips.

 I have learned how to travel inexpensively and yet still maximize my experience. Nevertheless, it takes money.  The excitement of exploring foreign lands and meeting new friends around the world is like a drug to me.  This makes putting down that Coach purse, that pair of True Religion jeans, or that gorgeous dress from BCBG Max Azria, so much easier. Now don't get me wrong, the next time I need a pair of jeans, I'm beating a path to True Religion and getting that pair. At that time it becomes a NEED and I can justify it. I guess at this point in my life, I will have to be satisfied with one black purse, instead of three in different styles and sizes. I will enjoy my TWO pair of converse, instead of rocking a new color every day.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally I will splurge, because I'm going to need fantastic clothes on my trips, but I will keep my WANTS in check so that I get to enjoy the fantastic trips I have ahead of me. It's all in examining what is important in your life and working toward it. Life can be good, if you desire it to be.  It's all in your dedication and determination. Namaste.

My Ideal Type

I've had several conversations over the years with friends about what my type of guy is. Mostly I voiced I didn't really think I had a type. I was pretty much all over the board where physical attributes were concerned. I didn't lean toward a certain hair/eye color or build. Race was never too much of an issue either. But if I were completely truthful, there did seem to be trends in certain points of my life. At one point it was really tall guys. Another, thick tall guys. Yet another, tattooed and pierced. Still, if a guy didn't fit this mold, he wasn't ruled out. I dated plenty shorter, thinner, non tattooed and pierced guys.

What I did find is there was a certain personality I was drawn to. Very strong personalities appealed to me. I like confident men. A man that will take charge. Not a man that will dictate to me, but one I know will take care of things if the need arises. I like leaders. Not that I'm a follower, but I liked the idea that a man could take the lead. I also liked a man that I felt could protect me. I think this is the basis behind the tall/thick attraction. I felt like these men could protect. Plain and simple, I wanted a MASCULINE man.

In conflict with this, for as far back as my teens, I have also been wildly attracted to androgynous men. Guys with eyeliner, or who could push the boundaries of what was consider male fashion always caught my attention and were part of my secret fantasy life. (Well, maybe not so secret.)

My current trend of physical attraction are Asian men. Not all Asian guys. Just like with any other race of men, I am attracted to some and not so much to others. Not that I haven't been attracted to them before, over the years there are several Asian guys that I've had the hots for, but not a large number. With my increased interest in Kdrama and Kpop, I developed an appreciation for Asian men as a whole. Not that I expect them to all look like my favorite Asian actor or pop idol. I've just learned to appreciate the varied aspects of beauty that graces many Asian males. As with any race/country, it's all about what you are exposed to. When you are not exposed to much of a certain race (I grew up in the rural, southern United States), you tend to see that race through homogeneous lens. It's not only Caucasians that see sameness when looking at another race. Many of my Asian friends say that their FOB (fresh off the boat) friends experience the same "blinders on "type vision, when they first arrived to the US.

What's clear is that my definition of what is considered masculine has vastly changed. Not that I found Asian men feminine by any means, it's just that they didn't fit my inner western view of what was considered macho manly. I am now exposed to a lot more Asian males (real ones, not just ones I lust after from afar) and I can vouch for many of their 'manilness'.  A few are far more manly than most of the men that I have dated. Even if they are short (it's hard to be shorter than me, at 5'1, but still it happens) or if I out weigh them, I have learned that these things are not necessarily attributes that establishes manliness. Even a few of the androgynous ones (which make my heart beat at a crazy rate), still exude this raw maleness that makes me heady. Believe me when I say they are all 100% all male, I mean it.

This shift in my perception has also transferred over to other races. I now recognized manly men, where I didn't see them before. This change in perception has opened up a whole new world for me. An appreciation of a greater variety of men and for this I am thankful. Let's just say that my pool for fishing has gotten larger.

So what is my idea type now? Who knows. I don't know what he looks like, but I know what he 'feels' like. I am more open with going with my inner instinct, than with my former preconceived notions. I don't even have a checklist anymore. No more do's and don'ts, just an open mind and an open heart. With this attitude, I hope to find someone the share the rest of my life with. Maybe I have already found him. ;) Or maybe, just maybe, I have this new found ability to 'see' him when he enters my life in the future. This makes me much more hopeful. Namaste.

All They Were Missing Was An 80's Tribute Band

This 4th was interesting. Interesting meaning, wow at all the fire works that went off pretty much non stop on that day.  I live in a very *surreally beautiful* rural area, just north east of Seattle. It is apparently legal for people to set off fireworks around here. Now, I've lived in rural areas before, where we were free to set off those lovely explosions, but here they can obtain really cheap fireworks from the Indian Reservations, some of them quite illegal and VERY loud. What occurred Thursday, sounded nothing less than a war zone. I mean, if it wasn't the 4th, I would have thought we were being invaded. The artillery like booming went on solid, from about 5pm to 2am. I wasn't annoyed, just amazed. The people around here sure LOVE their fireworks.

My neighbors across the creek have been having a party since Friday. Most of us along the creek have fire pits and they are put to regular use. It's very common to smell the smell of burning wood and to hear music drifting along the evening breeze. It's not annoying, it's just something we expect.  But what occurred this weekend was pretty epic. I think I should have gotten an idea of what I was in for, when I heard the first blaring strains of  Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax"  Friday afternoon. My next clue should have been the plethora of lights they were zigzagging along their backyard. Holy Hannah they partied like it was the end of the world. If the end of days truly comes, that is how I want to go out.

Finally, this morning, there is peace and quiet. Just the smoldering remnants of the pit fire and debris littering their yard. It kind of looks like the aftermath of a music festival. The only things they lacked were a live band and port-o-potties.  I'll admit I was a wee bit jealous, these people were mostly my age and it looked like hellah fun. And the smell of grilled meat put me in a constant state of drool. I'm still salivating, thinking about that meat. Give me a moment...

The pace of life here is different. Not that Washington or Arkansas are better or worse, it's just different. When it's nice, people spend every moment they can outside. It's a new experience for me to enjoy being outdoors during the summer. After suffering the horrid summers of the south, this milder climate seems to suit me very well.

I've adapted pretty seamlessly to my new life. I get my urban, metro fix on the weekends and enjoy the nice country life during most of the week. I'm good with that. It's like I have the best of both worlds. And though I doubt I will ever have a party like the one that occurred across the creek, I can still hope, right? Party on Garth.

To Begin Again: Dipping My Writing Toe Back Into the Water

I used to have two blogs, one I am still currently contributing to, A Simpler, Greener, Productive Life.  The other was a much older blog, Manic Depressed Muse, a very personal blog where I posted random ramblings and observations, along with snippets of stories I was working on.

In October of 2012 I began to work for a public blog that took up a considerable amount of my time. I can't list that blog here, for everyone working at the blog works under non de plume. This is because the blog is about a certain fangirl/boy subject and many of the people involved have professional lives and worry that their work on their "hobby" might one day come back to bite them in the ass. I don't worry about that. I'm unashamed of my pop addiction, but when I signed on as a contributing writer, I was asked not to reveal my real name or to mention it on either of my other blogs. The reasoning is that I used my real name on my personal blogs and that might lead back to their real identities, blah blah blah... you get the picture, right?

That blog took up so much of my time.  So much so, that my personal blogs as well as my personal writing, were being neglected.  I was also in the middle of facilitating a move from the Southern United States, to the Pacific Northwest. I simply was overwhelmed, overworked, and uninspired. After much angst and over thinking, I decided to delete the older, way more personal blog. It broke my heart to do so.  I was really proud of some of the writing I had presented there, but in an impulse decision. I hovered my little arrow on the deactivate button then clicked. POOF! Gone. *hangs head*

Now that the move has been accomplished (I'm three months in my new home) and the time I work on the public blog has become manageable, I have time to do real writing again.  Not just posting things on the still functioning blog listed above, but real honest to goodness writing.

I am working on a book.  I am super crazy about this book.  It's different from anything I have ever set out to do before. I am really stretching myself as a writer.  The chapters have been making the rounds throughout my writing circle and the response has be mostly extremely positive.  One friend asked why I wasn't just posting the chapters to my blog and sending an update to everyone interested.  This way they could link friends and I could build a fan base. Well, damn, this was a great idea, only I had deleted the  very blog where that could have been accomplished.  Go me.

After much thought and consideration, I decided to create a new blog to show case my writing. I do plan on posting random thoughts and observations, but it will also be a place to show case my work. I plan to post the first few chapters in the very new future.  Please note that this is still virgin work, most likely first draft and most assuredly unedited by professionals. While I do want honest feedback, keep it constructive and don't be petty.